How to Work Through Resentment Towards Your Partner After Kids

Becoming a parent is a magical experience, but it’s also one of the hardest. Everything changes in an instant — including relationships between significant others. Sometimes one of the toughest parts of parenting isn’t even childcare: it’s navigating a new and ever-changing set of logistics and challenges with your co-pilot.  

Thankfully, though, there are experts to lean on when there’s turbulence. One of them is April Eldemire, licensed marriage and family therapist and Bringing Baby Home Educator, who has tangible advice and tips for repairing and strengthening a relationship in the wake of a baby.  

“Babies are such a gift,” Eldemire says on Munchkin’s StrollerCoaster podcast during “The Stress Episode.” “They are such a blessing to families. At the same time, they come with immense challenges. It's a really drastic shift. Almost overnight, you were a family of two, and now you're a family of three. So, you're faced with challenges like sleep deprivation for the first time that you've never felt before.” 

“Those first few years of parenting, things are like a relay race of logistics,” Eldemire explains. “Not to mention you're getting to know each other's parenting styles for the first time. So now you're seeing each other as exhausted parents and not just that hot person you dated.”  

When things get tough in a relationship, there are usually four culprits at play, according to Eldemire. “There are four most destructive behavior patterns that are exhibited in relationships.” 

• Criticism: The first one is criticism, and that means pointing out something negative in your partner or blaming them for a problem by maybe naming a personality flaw or attacking their character. It makes them feel like there's something wrong with them. 
• Defensiveness: The second one is defensiveness, and that's used to protect yourself against feeling blamed or attacked. It often follows criticism. It might look like counterattacking or not taking any responsibility for your participation in an argument. 
• Stonewalling: The third is stonewalling, which looks like a partner withdrawing from the conversation or disagreement. They might shut down or physically leave the room, and they usually do this because something in their brain says, I'm flooded, I'm overwhelmed, I can't process, this is too much – it's emotional overload. They might not make eye contact, or they may emotionally or physically check out. 
• Contempt: The fourth, the most destructive, is contempt. It’s a statement made to their partner from a place of superiority. Some examples of that might be sarcasm, mocking the other person or insults. All of those make you feel like you're better than them and it puts the other person down. 

If any of these sound familiar, that may be because there are elements of them across the board in relationships. “I would say the majority, if not all relationships, have some form of all four of these, or at least two or three,” Eldemire says, adding, “Really, what's different about the erosion of the relationship over time is the frequency and the intensity of how much these behaviors show up and crop up in the relationship.”  

The good news is there are ways to overcome many of these relationship pitfalls. Eldemire has antidotes to share for each one.  

• Expressing a positive need: “So the antidote to criticism is really simple. It's using ‘I’ statements,” Eldemire says. “It's expressing a positive need. So it's focusing on yourself and your feelings. An example might be, ‘I know you meant well, but your tone of voice hurt my feelings. And I'd appreciate it if next time you want to get your point across, you'd speak to me in a better way.’” 
• Accountability: “Take responsibility,” Eldemire says, sharing the antidote to defensiveness. “Accept that your partner's perspective might be different than yours, even if you don't see whatever interaction that was in the same way. And it's offering an apology for any wrongdoing. Take yourself off your high horse and see that you might be contributing here. It's saying, ‘You know, we're on the same team.’” 
• Consider your partner’s intentions, and embrace taking short breaks: “It's intense when someone stonewalls you,” Eldemire says. “You feel left alone. And all those feelings and the conflict is still very much there. It doesn't go anywhere. So, it is an awful feeling. One is to recognize and understand that that person who's shutting down on you might not be intentionally wanting to hurt you. It's not deliberate pain that's being inflicted from them to you. It really is the inability for them to communicate in that moment. If somebody tends to be more of the stonewaller in the relationship, taking a break is essential. And that might be saying to your partner, ‘I'm feeling flooded or overwhelmed or I really need a break. I need some space right now. Give me 20 minutes and then we'll come back and we'll do this over or we'll try this again.’” 
• Appreciation: “If you find yourself having contemptuous thoughts about your partner, build what's called a culture of appreciation,” Eldemire explains. “So remind yourself of your partner's positive qualities and find gratitude for what they bring to the table. You know, there's a saying that goes, ‘Wake up in the morning and catch your partner doing something right.’ That takes away some of those contemptuous thoughts and behaviors.” 

You might not have to look far to find the motivation to work on these things. “I once talked with a couple of therapists who said, ‘Look, if you're not motivated by gentleness towards each other and trying to transcend difficulties because you love each other and chose to marry each other, then be motivated by the fact that your children are watching,’” Eldemire says. “‘And children who see their parents fight, whether they explicitly demonstrate it or not, it is painful for them.’ And that really gutted me because we can hang on to anger towards our partner. You know, some of us are really, really good at that. But most of us don't want to cause our children pain or distress.” 

It’s important to remember that it’s not too late to turn things around. “There's always an opportunity to turn things around,” Eldemire says. “You know, you always have the ability to find yourself back on track if you feel that you've derailed, or if you feel like you're so far apart. You can always patch things up if you know what to look out for.”